Mommy Dearest

Kenneth: Ich weiß gestern gut! Ja?

Amy: No, Kenneth. You do not speak german, stop.

Kenneth: Ja ich nicht!

Amy:  Sesrioiusly, stop it. Now.

Kenneth:Okay fine. But when I’m applying for college and they ask if I‘m multi-lingual, it’ll be your faullt when I have to check the box for no.

Amy:  Yea okay sure. You bring that up again when you’re atleast in middle school. Okay?

Kenneth: But Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! I need to start getting ready for college now if a want a scolarship. That’s what Danny said.

Amy: Danny who?

Kenneth: Danny Ortiz from school. He’s a fifth grader so ofcourse he knows what he is talking about.

Amy: Danny Ortiz? Molly Ortiz’s kid? Well you just go to school on Monday and tell Mr. Big Shot Fifth Grader Danny Ortiz to shove his upity self down a pipe.

Kenneth: Mom, remember the last time you told me to tell something to someone? I got suspended.

Amy: Oh, well that was different. That little tart Charidy need to mind her own business.

Kenneth: Okay well, how about I just never talk to him again?

Amy: Oh, honey, you can still talk to him. You just can’t let those kids tell you what’s best for you. That’s my job.

Kenneth: I know Mommy. Can I ask you a question?

Amy: Ofcourse honey.

Kenneth: What is a whore?

Amy: Well honey, uhm...where did you hear this?

Kenneth: Philip Davis called his Mommy one last Tuesday.

Amy: Oh well Philip’s mommy is sort of...that’s not the point. That is a very bad word and I don’t want you saying it.

Kenneth: But Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! If I know what it is, it will widen my vocabulary!

Amy: Fine. An example of a whore would be you’re daddy’s girlfriend. In fact all of your daddy’s girlfriends have been whores. Except for Mommy.

Kenneth: Hehe. Daddy dates whores! Daddy dates whores!

I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

      “What a beautiful wedding!”  Yeah, beautiful. Just do your job and give me my friggin’ wine and gizzards. Waiters should have their tongues removed. They’re not supposed to talk! I keep hearing ‘beautiful wedding’ this, ‘gorgeous couple’ that. I’m tired of hearing it! I’m tired of these hideous yellow roses! And, most of all, I’m tired of seeing

these awful red and green bridesmaids dresses! Ugh, and did they have to plaster their names everywhere. Yes, we know we’re at Charlie and Jillian’s wedding. You do not have to keep reminding us. I hope they both die in a horrible necrophiliac’s basement. No, I hope SHE dies in a horrible necrophiliac’s basement.

     “Here is your champagne, sir.” Bout friggin time. Pour the champagne!  Need me some more liquor to get through this hell. Look at him! All suave with his hair slicked back and his tie all tie-y and stuff. And her! All smiley and pretty like a friggin’ princess or somethin. Bet she thinks she’s a princess too. Princess of Whore McSlut-Face town!

     TING-TING-TING. Oh, what now?

     “I would like to make a toast.” Oh, this should be wonderful.

     “I know that it’s traditional for the best man to make a toast at a wedding,” Charlie, you were never one for tradition anyway, “but, well,” get on with it and stop playing with your stupid hair, “Burt is just going to have to

wait a bit.” Ugh, why are you laughing? That wasn’t funny. It was just a statement, calm yourself people.

     “Jillian,” such an ugly name, “I just want to tell you that since the day that I met you, you have brightened my life.” Barf. “If I'm away from you for more than an hour, I can't stop thinking about you.” Uber barf.  “I carry you in my spirit.”  This sounds familiar. “I pray for you more than I pray for myself.” Yeah, this is sounding real familiar. “When you smile, my world... It's all right.” You did not just steal your speech from Diary of a Mad Black Woman! Nice Charlie, real classy.

     “And now, I’ll let the man who’s supposed to be talking speak. Get on up here Bert.”  Stop clapping!

It’s not that big of a deal! I’m just going to walk up here, say a few words about how wonderful I think this revolting wedding is, and continue to drink myself to happiness. Oh! Ok don’t fall. One foot in front of the other, don’t

show them how tipsy you are.

     “Well, I don’t think I could ever top that toast.” Yes I could. Listen to me sing ABBA’s Dancing Queen in falsetto, and your ears will never stop bleeding.

     “All I really have to say is that Jillian is the luckiest,” easiest, “girl in the world to grab a man like Charlie. A man like him is a hard find. You better hold on to him, or some girl,” or guy, “may,” will, “take him from you!” Ugh, your stupid laughter again! I’m being completely serious.

     “But, in all seriousness, Charlie, you are a good find. I mean it’s hard in today’s world to find a man who not only has a job and is willing to provide, but also will pay for the last minute hotel bookings! A man who isn’t afraid to fly you out to some strange city, just to see you. A man who will willingly take you out to Ziegfeld’s, dressed in nothing but coconuts and a thin grass skirt. A man, a special man, who is not afraid to take it up the-”

     “Burt! Stop talking right this instant, please!” Well look at that, Mr .Cool-Head has lost his cool. Oh, and listen! The laughter has stopped. Thank the Lord. You all can stop staring at me though. I need another

drink. Huh, why’s the maid of honor’s hand on Jillian’s thigh?

Rule Breaking

     Groundation. This a word I created when I was seven to explain the predicament that I was often in. And now, I must use this word again. Yes, my dear, I am grounded. Yes, young sir, it is my fault. And yes, miss lady-dee-doo, I am going against the rules of my groundation to be making this post. Why, you may ask, would she ever do that? Well the answer to that is simple, sweetie. It is because I am a disobedient child and I break the rules very often. Well, I hear my mothers voice outside my window, so  will sign off. But only for the moment.

You Look Time Lord

Two mandatory things to remember:
     Fezzes are cool
     Bow ties are cool
But never forget
please don't forget
to not blink
don't look away
from the wibbly wobbly
timey wimey
stuff.
or the void stuff
because your child
just might have
a time head.
but everything will be
just fine.
don't cry little angel
Trust me
Just don't talk to me
when I'm cross
And yes
you may call me
Sexy
but only when we're
alone.
So hello
no
wait
the other one.

Name. Rank. Intention.
The Doctor. Doctor. Fun.
Brilliant

The Gods' Punisment

Smooth sailing

keep straight now

don’t jerk the wheel

Slight turbulence

‘ts alright

jus keep straight

A strange current

steer ‘way gently

that’s the stuff

What do ya’ mean

“It’s suckin’ us in”

just steer away!

Around and around again

“The ship, she’s gone sideways!”

there goes the mast

Jaws! I saw ‘em!

opened to swallow the mast

opened to swallow my ship

Around and around again

“The ship, she almost upside down”

so many men, so many cries of terror

Around one last time

and then there was nothing.

Poseidon and Scylla have cursed my crew to drift forever

engulfed by the stench of iron and soaked mahogany 

Better than Best Friend

Your beauty blinds me

your kindness flatters me

your friendship comforts me

Look at me with different eyes

its ok to let you disguise

fall down show your affection

if you have any.

This might have all been a deception

Not on your part, but mine

A deception of my mind

It takes your beauty as attractiveness

your kindness as flirting

and your friendship as something more

Snack

I'm very hungry for a snack

I really, really need a snack

don't want anything nutritious,

just really want a snack

Don't need anything sweet

don't want anything sour

just need me a little treat

to get me through the hour