“What a beautiful wedding!” Yeah, beautiful. Just do your job and give me my friggin’ wine and gizzards. Waiters should have their tongues removed. They’re not supposed to talk! I keep hearing ‘beautiful wedding’ this, ‘gorgeous couple’ that. I’m tired of hearing it! I’m tired of these hideous yellow roses! And, most of all, I’m tired of seeing
these awful red and green bridesmaids dresses! Ugh, and did they have to plaster their names everywhere. Yes, we know we’re at Charlie and Jillian’s wedding. You do not have to keep reminding us. I hope they both die in a horrible necrophiliac’s basement. No, I hope SHE dies in a horrible necrophiliac’s basement.
“Here is your champagne, sir.” Bout friggin time. Pour the champagne! Need me some more liquor to get through this hell. Look at him! All suave with his hair slicked back and his tie all tie-y and stuff. And her! All smiley and pretty like a friggin’ princess or somethin. Bet she thinks she’s a princess too. Princess of Whore McSlut-Face town!
TING-TING-TING. Oh, what now?
“I would like to make a toast.” Oh, this should be wonderful.
“I know that it’s traditional for the best man to make a toast at a wedding,” Charlie, you were never one for tradition anyway, “but, well,” get on with it and stop playing with your stupid hair, “Burt is just going to have to
wait a bit.” Ugh, why are you laughing? That wasn’t funny. It was just a statement, calm yourself people.
“Jillian,” such an ugly name, “I just want to tell you that since the day that I met you, you have brightened my life.” Barf. “If I'm away from you for more than an hour, I can't stop thinking about you.” Uber barf. “I carry you in my spirit.” This sounds familiar. “I pray for you more than I pray for myself.” Yeah, this is sounding real familiar. “When you smile, my world... It's all right.” You did not just steal your speech from Diary of a Mad Black Woman! Nice Charlie, real classy.
“And now, I’ll let the man who’s supposed to be talking speak. Get on up here Bert.” Stop clapping!
It’s not that big of a deal! I’m just going to walk up here, say a few words about how wonderful I think this revolting wedding is, and continue to drink myself to happiness. Oh! Ok don’t fall. One foot in front of the other, don’t
show them how tipsy you are. “Well, I don’t think I could ever top that toast.” Yes I could. Listen to me sing ABBA’s Dancing Queen in falsetto, and your ears will never stop bleeding.
“All I really have to say is that Jillian is the luckiest,” easiest, “girl in the world to grab a man like Charlie. A man like him is a hard find. You better hold on to him, or some girl,” or guy, “may,” will, “take him from you!” Ugh, your stupid laughter again! I’m being completely serious.
“But, in all seriousness, Charlie, you are a good find. I mean it’s hard in today’s world to find a man who not only has a job and is willing to provide, but also will pay for the last minute hotel bookings! A man who isn’t afraid to fly you out to some strange city, just to see you. A man who will willingly take you out to Ziegfeld’s, dressed in nothing but coconuts and a thin grass skirt. A man, a special man, who is not afraid to take it up the-”
“Burt! Stop talking right this instant, please!” Well look at that, Mr .Cool-Head has lost his cool. Oh, and listen! The laughter has stopped. Thank the Lord. You all can stop staring at me though. I need another
drink. Huh, why’s the maid of honor’s hand on Jillian’s thigh?
